Never Settle

So much has happened in 8 months. I have such a mixed bag of emotions, I find it getting away from me more times than not.  I looked back on my blogs and found one from August 2010 where I said I was going to make a 2 year plan.  I remember writing that and knowing exactly what I was thinking at the time.  Funny how life happens.
So far in 2012, I have taken the biggest steps in my life and feel really good about it.  It will be painful, and at times, difficult. In the end, I will have my happiness.  I can picture my future now and smile.  I had lost that for years.  I see a light in the tunnel and it is not the train coming toward me, it is the possibility of so many things. The thought of this freedom is  amazing.  I feel better about myself, I feel like I could take on anything.
I have learned to NEVER settle for less than what I deserve!

Mature Love

Can you truly let yourself just be loved? With out insecurity. With out worry. With out the fear that he will leave. I don't know

Olivia's birthday

November 15th, Olivia turned 8. We had a modest celebration. Cupcakes for her 2nd grade class, tacos for dinner, ice cream cake at night, and new Heely’s from Marc and me. Her birthday also reminds me of her birth mother.
We know for sure she was found in front of the orphanage on November 21, 2003, and was estimated to be 7 days old. So the orphanage declared her birthday to be November 15th. I have wondered if that is the actual day she was born, but her actual birthday does not really matter. If it is days or weeks off, in the long run, it makes no difference. But her “finding day” is for sure. She was found in a basket with blankets and bottles of milk on the steps of the old location of the orphanage. A woman from the village found her and took her to the new location.

It hurts my heart to know her birth mother had to abandon her.
It hurts my heart that we will never know the name her birth mother gave her, only the name the orphanage gave her.
It hurts my heart that her birth mother is missing out on her beautiful laugh, her silly smile. That she will miss brushing her hair and watching her sleep.
It hurts my heart that her birth mother will never know the love Olivia has for dogs, and she will never see the special bond Olivia has with my mother.

But in the same breath I thank her.
Thank you for having the courage to give you daughter a better life.
Thank you for leaving your daughter at the orphanage, where you knew she would be found.
Thank you for leaving your daughter with blankets and milk so I could tell Olivia how much her birth mother loved her.
Thank you for giving her life, because with out you, I would not have found the love of mine.

MOMMY MAGIC

So it is spring break and I took off Monday and Tuesday to spend with Olivia. We were going to see the JB movie, but I did not realize it was no longer playing. Ok we can recover from this. So what can we do, mini golf, no she just did that with daddy. Chuck E Cheese, Hell to the No. Monkey Joe's, no boring to play alone. So what does she want? Disney. I told her we can go to Downtown Disney, walk around and have lunch. She says, "No I want to go on rides". REALLY! Ugh, the curse of living in Orlando (yes I am complaining) Nothing is cheap or easy. Then she wants the pool;not open yet. Then she hits me with it, "Ok, I want to go to Ma's early then". WHAT! You would rather spend time with my mother in her 1 bedroom apartment than shopping and lunch with me? I said SHOPPING. S H O P P I N G. Yes she would rather be with my mom and her cousins. So we spent the rest of the afternoon packing, and driving. I have lost my "Mommy Magic". :(

Friends

I am watching Oprah's premier of her final season and John Travolta is her guest. She stated talking about what a good friend he is and so glad he is with her. They came out dancing together to "Love Train", and I thought, I have friends that make me feel like dancing. Do I make them feel like dancing? I see the love on Oprah and John's faces and I hope I have that effect on my friends.

She said there is no one on earth she would rather be with and 25 years later, he still make her heart pitter patter.

You do not get many friends in life, true friends that you have an unspeakable connection with. Some similarities are evident, but some are not until you dig deep, talk for hours and shop with them!

I have one BFF, and we are an unlikely pair. If you only knew how close we are, it still amazes me. She has been with me through my adoption, helped me with beginner motherhood and is impressed by my computer skills. (they are really not that great...but shhh don't tell her). I love her like a sister and I hope she realizes how important and special she is to me.

I have been blessed to reconnect with 3 friends in my life. These friends and I have drifted apart over our life's journey but have somehow found each other again. Each one brings something different to my life and look forward getting to know them as adults, traveling with them and growing old with them.

I want my friends around me when I turn 40, 50, 60, 70 and at death. I know they are truly accepting of me and my faults. I want their faces to be the last I see because after all of these years, they do not judge, or back down or walk away.

If you have a friend you want to connect with or reconcile. DO IT!

We have opened our hearts to each other, I am a better person.

Leaving the comfort of home

I had to leave NJ today...my home. It is sad. As I drove over the 9th street bridge I began to cry, already homesick. I feel like I belong here. Not just because I love it here but because I can drive over the bridge and know that is where the crash scene was filmed for "Eddy and the Cruisers". My favorite restaurant, The Crab Trap. I know where Tony Marts used to be and that the 60 min wait at Smitty's is worth it. I know 3 different ways to drive yo Philly and how to get from Cape May to Atlantic City without using the parkway. I can drive by my childhood home and my friends old apt, so many great memories (the apt stories are another blog)

I am also leaving behind my oldest friend, my craziest friend, my God daughter and a ton of family. It does not help that Olivia is also crying she wants to stay.

Only 1 other place I have felt lime I belonged, Savannah GA

So for now I will cry, put my "Jersey Girl" sticker on my car and make a 2 year plan.

Well we are on the road. 230pm and only in GA. At this rate I will be driving all night. So the last thing I need is a 6 year old screaming and crying because I turned off the car and it shut off the DVD player. I don't hit my child but came sooo close today. Don't pull a brat move on me in this heat!! I told her if she did nor stop I would throw her DVD out of the window. She said "you won't do that ". She apparently does not know that I don't like being told I "won't" do something. I do it just because.

So after the crying ended, we got back
In the car and began our GA treck up 95. Which state should I leave this mathem and disappear into?

I think I will wait for MD. I am not a southern girl